It’s really, really, REALLY weird when you find out that some of your old partying pals have become followers of Christ. I mean weirder than it was go be in Acuna, Mexico and NOT bar hopping. Weirder than your high school sweet heart marrying someone else. Weirder than realizing that people who knew you ten years ago wouldn’t know you from Eve on the street these days (and that that’s probably a good thing). Weirder than… well… weird.
But in the very best of ways.
focus. Focus. FOCUS.
Get over yourself and focus.
I won a free copy of Tara Leigh’s latest book, Crowded Skies, and since being laid off, I’ve found the time to sit and read it. Tonight, I read a chapter that shook me to the core.
My life has changed dramatically since high school. I spent my adolescent years being liked, and experienced some level of mild popularity in high school. Since then, I’ve gained about two hundred pounds and enough emotional baggage to land a small aircraft. Two hundred pounds. Ugh. Although this entry isn’t necessarily about my struggle against obesity, the proverbial elephant in the room would stomp us all to death if I didn’t acknowledge that my weight gain has significantly contributed to my declining self-esteem over the years. I would venture to say, however, that my real struggle is found in my attempts to cover up the insecurities that come along with being ten years out of high school, overweight, and ever-so-single.
I look at my check balance, and what I notice is this: I spend money on anything and everything that will make me “cool” again. Trendy bars and restaurants; nice (and somewhat expensive) clothes and shoes; trinkets for my living space that is way too big for just me and Willie. I give, but I take exponentially more for myself, all in attempts to make people love me.
Is it bad to eat out or have drinks? Is it bad to buy nice clothes or decorate my home? No, not in and of themselves. Where my struggle lies is just below the surface: this quiet, deceiving focus on covering up what is so obviously wrong in my life with things that look pretty and paint a nice cover-up.
It’s not that I don’t know what God wants for me. It’s not that I can’t see that He is sanctifying my life sometimes quietly, and sometimes radically. It’s not even that I really think that any of these things will help my situation. But they certainly do provide some sort of soothing comfort, don’t they? With each new set of curtains or new pair of boots, I medicate the open, gaping wound in my heart caused by sin and contempt, only to have a GOOD and GRACIOUS God rip the band-aid off again.
No, these temporary remedies will not make people love me.
Here’s something I’ve noticed. As strange as it sounds, change has been a pretty constant reality for you over the five (!) years I’ve known you. Your theology changed. Your jobs have changed. Your living arrangements have changed. Your future and educational plans have changed. Not all of that has been under your control, but some has. I think that you need some stability (which would oddly enough, be a change as far as you’re concerned).
That’s how it seems to me. I think that you’re at a place in life that you might be best served by planting your flag… somewhere… and staying there for a while. Not to say that you let life pass you by during that time. If some worthy guy comes along, then get him to marry you. And if other opportunities show up, consider them. But it might be a time to re-focus. And remain focused.
Well, after a very long road trip (thank you, I-35), I arrived into Dallas just as rush hour began… and then it took about an hour and a half to make it through town and into Allen. I suppose I’m lucky thankful there were no accidents along the way.
I was stricken with the way that I felt as I drove past downtown and admired the skyline, which, even during the day, is quite impressive. I thought about how it felt to live here, and to worship here. There were good days and bad ones, but all around, it wasn’t horrible. I just think that in typical Stephanie fashion, I needed/wanted a change, and so I jumped at an opportunity to go back to San Antonio.
Do I love San Antonio? Absolutely. Do I regret moving back there? 90% of me says no. 10% of my doubting heart challenges me– telling me that if I’d only stayed where I was, my career options would look 100% different right now. Luckily thankfully, I’m not in control.
It is nice to be here, though. It was awesome hanging with Michelle and Jason last night, just talking and laughing. It was great seeing Willie and Nookie bond again. The bed was comfy, and the temperature is wonderful. I even shared my bed with a 110-pound Dalmatian and his weenie dog pal for most of the morning.
Now, I’m about to head over and see Dr. Robin, and then I’ll meet with my attorney, and finally, have lunch with some folks from my old office here in town. I’ll meet Michelle back here, and we’ll goof around for the rest of the day.
It is nice to be away. I can deter reality for a few days, anyway.
Ah, the words penned by one of rock-n-roll’s hottest lead singers- Jim Morrison- are perfect for my life right now. No, I’m not smoking pot or shooting up or contemplating suicide. I’m just jobless. Yep, I’ve been “laid off,” or at least that’s what they’re calling it. Who knows what is true amidst all the rumors flying around about my leaving my job of the last four years?
I am neither happy, nor especially sad about it. I am frustrated– that I know for sure. God must be doing something: of this I’m pretty sure. He’s strategically placed this unplanned stop in a time in my life where I cannot run from it. I can’t pack up and move to some other city because I’m right in the middle of a semester in school– not to mention a lease on a house. I’ve also just now began feeling at home at church again. Moving isn’t an option (sorry, Michelle).
So, yesterday, I began submitting my resume, and just tried to flesh out my emotions. Sorry to all of those who caught the brunt of it. Today, I submitted more resumes, went to an interview, and came to my senses where my emotions are concerned. Tomorrow, I’ll submit still more resumes, do a week’s worth of homework, and hopefully go to another interview. Thursday, if I don’t have interviews, I’ll have breakfast with Katie, and then drive to Dallas, where I’ll be meeting with my attorney, and spending some r and r with friends and loved ones. I’ll be going to see my Ghee over the weekend, and coming home on Sunday or Monday.
Blakely got me thinking about my goals for this job hunt. I wish I knew. You see, I have a standing offer to write for the Paisano.. for free. And I’d love to go on the mission field for the summer… which again would earn no money. And I’d love to just go to school, and work at Starbucks as a barista… pretty darn close to “for free”. I want to take pictures. I want to organize parties. I want to help a presidential hopeful be elected. I want to listen to music. I want to love on the city of San Antonio. I want to make a difference. I want to be heard. I want to love and be loved. So, if any one knows of any job that will allow me to do any of these things AND ACTUALLY MAKE A LIVING, please let me know.
Until then, I fear I’m doomed to find another insurance job.
No safety or surprise, the end.
One of my agents’ daughter is missing, and is the subject of an Amber Alert. Please, please pray for her safe return to her family!
I’m torn. I simply cannot decide whether to support John McCain or Ron Paul in Texas’ primary next month. I wish I could somehow combine the two… Paul’s domestic policy and McCain’s foreign policy.
What about you?
WHEREAS I am coming up on thirty and still have no marriage prospects, and
WHEREAS I am finally serious and working hard toward finishing my BA at UTSA, and
WHEREAS I am working to repair my relationship with my dad and stepmother, and
WHEREAS I have the whole world full of opportunities where my work is concerned open to me, and
WHEREAS I am feeling especially ambitious about those opportunities, and
WHEREAS I am smart enough and determined enough to do BIG things in life, and
WHEREAS I want to feel as though I’ve truly accomplished something before my twenty-year high school reunion,
BE IT RESOLVED that I just might be considering pursuing my J.D. at the University of Houston with a focus in Oil & Gas.
Who knows? It could happen.
