One of my favorite preachers, Tim Keller visits Google’s Mountain View, CA, headquarters to discuss his book, “The Reason for God.” This event took place on March 5, 2008, as part of the Authors@Google series. I’ve REALLY enjoyed his talk, and I’m very much looking forward to May, when I’ll begin reading this book… you know, after finals, and when I’m relaxing on beautiful Lake Travis!

T minus twenty-five days until Fiesta begins.

Someone very cool posted a quote on her blog today that smacked me around a little.

“The message of scripture and the gospel of Christ is not that in following Him everything is going to go right, but that He is enough, no matter what happens.” – Matt Chandler, the Village Church, Dallas, TX

I received a call yesterday, informing me that I’d been offered a temporary position with one of my former clients.  Essentially, I’ll report on Monday, and work for two weeks, at the end of which, the company will decide whether or not they like me.  For some reason, I feel as though I’m on one of those TV dating shows where a guy takes out three girls, and over the course of a very long date, sends all but one of them home.

The other thing is the pay.  While it is enough to sustain me… it is BARELY enough.  I’m talking within $20 close.  How on earth is it that I have been working in this industry for nine years and I am hardly making more than I did in 1999 (and half of what I made at my last job)?  It is SO FRUSTRATING.  I feel disrespected and unappreciated… and really scared of rejection.

But at the same time, I have this lingering Voice  speaking to me almost audibly.

“Stephanie, you’ve been given a job that pays you exactly enough to take care of all that you need.  You’ve been given a job that provides the flexibility that you need to finish school.  You might not have enough for many extras, but, Stephanie, you need to learn to rely on Me for all that you need.  I am in control.  I am teaching you something here.  I am.”

So, remind me… please remind me of the things that matter when you see me.  Adjust my attitude with a word of truth when we talk.  And maybe eventually, I’ll find that what I’ve been looking for has already been given.

Yes, I completed my first 5k in about ten years this morning, and I have to say– I FEEL AMAZING!

It took me 2 hours, 4 minutes, and 33 seconds to complete, and believe it or not, I actually did not finish last. I never stopped running– I thought that if I did, I’d end up passing out! One guy running with me kept trying to talk to me the whole way, and finally I just said, “I’m sorry (gasp gasp gasp). I can’t talk (gasp gasp gasp) and run (gasp gasp gasp).” Then I put on my head phones and went on.

I would just like to take this moment to thank the Barenaked Ladies, Weezer, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Spoon, Blue October, and a host of other music-making geniuses who kept me going today!

It’s really, really, REALLY weird when you find out that some of your old partying pals have become followers of Christ.  I mean weirder than it was go be in Acuna, Mexico and NOT bar hopping.  Weirder than your high school sweet heart marrying someone else.  Weirder than realizing that people who knew you ten years ago wouldn’t know you from Eve on the street these days (and that that’s probably a good thing).  Weirder than… well… weird.

But in the very best of ways.

focus. Focus. FOCUS.

Get over yourself and focus.

I won a free copy of Tara Leigh’s latest book, Crowded Skies, and since being laid off, I’ve found the time to sit and read it.  Tonight, I read a chapter that shook me to the core.

My life has changed dramatically since high school.  I spent my adolescent years being liked, and experienced some level of mild popularity in high school.   Since then, I’ve gained about two hundred pounds and enough emotional baggage to land a small aircraft.  Two hundred pounds.  Ugh.  Although this entry isn’t necessarily about my struggle against obesity, the proverbial elephant in the room would stomp us all to death if I didn’t acknowledge that my weight gain has significantly contributed to my declining self-esteem over the years.  I would venture to say, however, that my real struggle is found in my attempts to cover up the insecurities that come along with being ten years out of high school, overweight, and ever-so-single.

I look at my check balance, and what I notice is this:  I spend money on anything and everything that will make me “cool” again.  Trendy bars and restaurants; nice (and somewhat expensive) clothes and shoes; trinkets for my living space that is way too big for just me and Willie.  I give, but I take exponentially more for myself, all in attempts to make people love me.

Is it bad to eat out or have drinks?  Is it bad to buy nice clothes or decorate my home?  No, not in and of themselves.  Where my struggle lies is just below the surface: this quiet, deceiving focus on covering up what is so obviously wrong in my life with things that look pretty and paint a nice cover-up.

It’s not that I don’t know what God wants for me.  It’s not that I can’t see that He is sanctifying my life sometimes quietly, and sometimes radically.  It’s not even that I really think that any of these things will help my situation.  But they certainly do provide some sort of soothing comfort, don’t they?  With each new set of curtains or new pair of boots, I medicate the open, gaping wound in my heart caused by sin and contempt, only to have a GOOD and GRACIOUS God rip the band-aid off again.

No, these temporary remedies will not make people love me.

Here’s something I’ve noticed.  As strange as it sounds, change has been a pretty constant reality for you over the five (!) years I’ve known you.  Your theology changed.  Your jobs have changed.  Your living arrangements have changed.  Your future and educational plans have changed.  Not all of that has been under your control, but some has.  I think that you need some stability (which would oddly enough, be a change as far as you’re concerned). 

That’s how it seems to me.  I think that you’re at a place in life that you might be best served by planting your flag… somewhere… and staying there for a while.  Not to say that you let life pass you by during that time.  If some worthy guy comes along, then get him to marry you.    And if other opportunities show up, consider them.  But it might be a time to re-focus.  And remain focused.

Well, after a very long road trip (thank you, I-35), I arrived into Dallas just as rush hour began… and then it took about an hour and a half to make it through town and into Allen.  I suppose I’m lucky thankful there were no accidents along the way.

I was stricken with the way that I felt as I drove past downtown and admired the skyline, which, even during the day, is quite impressive.  I thought about how it felt to live here, and to worship here.  There were good days and bad ones, but all around, it wasn’t horrible.  I just think that in typical Stephanie fashion, I needed/wanted a change, and so I jumped at an opportunity to go back to San Antonio.

Do I love San Antonio?  Absolutely.  Do I regret moving back there?  90% of me says no. 10% of my doubting heart challenges me– telling me that if I’d only stayed where I was, my career options would look 100% different right now.  Luckily thankfully, I’m not in control.

It is nice to be here, though.  It was awesome hanging with Michelle and Jason last night, just talking and laughing.  It was great seeing Willie and Nookie bond again. The bed was comfy, and the temperature is wonderful.  I even shared my bed with a 110-pound Dalmatian and his weenie dog pal for most of the morning.

Now, I’m about to head over and see Dr. Robin, and then I’ll meet with my attorney, and finally, have lunch with some folks from my old office here in town.   I’ll meet Michelle back here, and we’ll goof around for the rest of the day.

It is nice to be away.  I can deter reality for a few days, anyway.